Having three babies in three years was challenging to say the least. My day to day was a military operation attending to their every physical and emotional need and collapsing at night from physical exhaustion. I thought that once the girls were at school the challenges would ease up or they would at least be easier but I’m not so sure now that happens. The challenges change and now what I’m struggling with the most is the balancing act of choosing which childs’ need to meet first.
I’ve always had to work out which child to pick up first or cuddle or carry as they were always so little together and all felt they needed me at precisely the exact time (surprise, surprise) but now I feel like this challenge is even more exacerbated as they get older, understand more of what they want and need and know exactly how to push each others and my mummy guilt buttons.
I am always trying to act fairly and equally. Everyone gets a squeezy cuddle or a sit on my lap or a bite of my snack….you know what I mean. But there are times when I physically can’t get to all three of them.
At Mother’s Day mass this year, I clocked my three and made ‘eyes’ with all of them when I first sat down (tick!) but then I had to decide which lane to take the host in to maximise contact with all three. Preps were sitting on the left hand side of the church and years 1 and 3 were on the right side of the church. My preppie was sitting on the nearest side of the pew to the middle aisle, my year 1er was on the nearest side on the right to the middle aisle but my year 3 although being on the very end of the pew on the outside hoping she could grab me as I walked past after having the host, was bitterly disappointed that I chose to first cuddle my year 1er, then swtich lanes so I could get to the preppie which meant I missed her. She didn’t realise that I chose to switch lanes because my preppie have been crying all morning at the beginning of the day and didn’t want me to leave her so I decided at that moment she needed me the most. There was a little sadness in her eyes which always breaks my heart and their realisation that they aren’t the only one and this sharing Mum thing really does suck no matter how great it is to have so many sisters, as I often tell her.
It’s such a small thing and mummy guilt does kick in when I feel they feel I’m not making the right choices.
These decisions are minor in the scheme of things and I feel blessed that I’ve never had to and hope never to make a decision about one of the them that impacts either of the other two greatly.
I love my girls equally so deeply. I never imagined I could feel so much love like I do for these three. They are truly my world. There are moments I feel so much love I feel like my heart will burst and so I now have a special cue when these moments happen. I have a special squeeze so when we are walking along holding hands and I get that feeling, I squeeze their little hands and they know. They look up at me with the biggest smile and they know that in that exact moment their mama’s heart wants to burst because I love them so much.